Beauty Unveiled

According to social rules existing during Mulla Nasrudin's day, brides didn't show themselves to their future husbands prior to marriage.

On Mulla's wedding day, his wife unveiled her face to him and asked, "Tell me, which of your relatives can I see without covering my face?"

Mulla replied, "Show your face to whomever you want; just make sure you keep it covered in my presence!"

Dreams in Detail

Once Mulla Nasrudin woke his wife in the middle of the night and said, "Hey, be quick, give me my glasses."

The wife asked, "Why do you need your glasses in the middle of the night?"

Mulla replied, "I'm having a very interesting dream and need to see some of the details that are a bit blurry."

Good Swimmer?

Mulla Nasrudin took a second wife who was younger than the first one. One evening he came home to find them quarreling about which of them Mulla loved more.

At first, Mulla told them he loved them both, but neither of them were satisfied with his answer. Then the older one asked, "Well, just suppose the three of us were in a boat, and it started to sink. Which of us would you try to save?"

Mulla thought for a moment, and then said to his older wife, "My dear, you know how to swim, don't you?"

Light at Night

One day, someone asked Mulla Nasrudin, "Which is more valuable to man, the sun or the moon?"

"The moon, of course, because we need more light at night."

How Much For The Chair?

Mulla Nasrudin, carrying a chair, walked up to the owner of a secondhand store and asked how much it was worth. "Three dollars," said the secondhand dealer. The Mulla seemed surprised. "Isn't it worth more than that?" he said.

"Three dollars is the limit," the owner said. "See that? Where the leg is split? And look here where the paint is peeling."

"Okay then," said Nasrudin. "I saw it in front of your store marked $10, but I thought there must be a mistake. for $3 I will take it."

To Catch Wife Attention

Mulla Nasrudin used to say: "If you want your wife to pay close attention to what you are saying, whisper it to another woman in a low voice."

Which Side Should I Be?

"Mulla Nasruddin, which side must I walk when carrying a coffin, at the front, back, left or right?", someone onced asked the Mulla.

"Take which you like best, so long as you are not inside!"

Only God Knows

Mulla Nasrudin, who was really unaccustomed to public speaking, arose in confusion after dinner and muttered hesitatingly: "M-m-my f-f-friends, when I came here tonight only God and me knew what I was about to say to you and now only God knows!"

Wasted Life

Mulla Nasrudin, ferrying a scholarly man across a piece of rough water, said something ungrammatical to him. "Have you never studied grammar?" asked the scholar.

"No."

"Then half your life is wasted."

A few minutes later Nasrudin turned to the passenger.

"Have you ever learned how to swim?"

"No. Why?"

"Then all your life is wasted-we are sinking!"

Running Off With The Wife

Mulla Nasrudin reported to the superintendent of the mental hospital and asked: "Have any of your male patients escaped lately?"

"Why do you ask? said the superintendent. "Because, " said the Mulla, "Someone has run off with my wife."

Don't Wake Dad

The young daughter of Mulla Nasrudin heard a tapping on her window in the early hours of the morning. There on a ladder was her boyfriend.

Their elopement was going according to plan. "Are you all ready?" her boyfriend asked. "Yes," whispered the girl, "but don't talk so loud, you might wake up my father."

"Wake him up?" her boyfriend asked. "Who do you think is holding the ladder?"

Is Your Wife Home

Mulla Nasrudin thought he was going to die with a toothache. He asked his friend, "What can I do to relieve the pain?" "I will tell you what I do," his friend said.

"When I have a toothache, or a pain, I go over to my wife, and she puts her arms around me, and caresses me, and soothes me until finally I forget all about the pain."

Nasrudin brightened up and said: "Gee, That's wonderful! Is she home now?"

Benefits Of The Job

Mulla Nasrudin was applying for a job. "Does the company pay for my hospitalization?" he asked. "No, you pay for it," the personnel director said.

"We take it out of your salary each month." "The last place I worked, they paid for it," said the Mulla. "That's unusual," the personnel man said. "How much vacation did you get?" "Six weeks," replied the Mulla.

"Did you get a bonus?" the personnel man asked. "Yes," said the Mulla. "Not only that, they gave us an annual bonus, sent us a turkey on Thanksgiving, gave us the use of a company car and threw a big barbecue for us each year."

"Why did you leave?" asked the personnel director. "They went bankrupt," said Nasrudin.

More Sense Asleep

The young lady's hopes had been high for two years while Mulla Nasrudin remained silent on the question of marriage.

Then one evening he said to her, "I had a most unusual dream last night. I dreamed that I asked to marry you. I wonder what that means."

"That Means," said his girlfriend, "That You Have More Sense Asleep Than You Have Awake."

Proud Of Son

A friend was visiting Mulla Nasrudin. "My boy has just written me from jail," he said.

"He says they're going to cut six months off his sentence for good behaviour."

"MY," said Mulla Nasrudin. "You Must Be Proud To Have A Son Like That."

Wife Or Mule

Mulla Nasrudin's mule kicked his wife in the head and she died. A huge crowd turned out for the funeral, most of them men.

The minister following the ceremonies, said: "This lady must have been very popular. Look at the large number of people who have left their work to come to her funeral."

"They are not here for the funeral," said Nasrudin. "They are here to bid on the mule."

Who Are You Going To Believe?

A neighbor who Mulla Nasrudin didn't like very much came over to his compound one day. The neighbor asked Nasruddin if he could borrow his donkey. Nasrudin not wanting to lend his donkey to the neighbor he didn't like told him, "I would love to loan you my donkey but only yesterday my brother came from the next town to use it to carry his wheat to the mill to be grounded. The donkey sadly is not here.

" The neighbor was disappointed. But he thanked Nasrudin and began to walk away. Just as he got a few steps away, Mulla Nasruddin's donkey, which was in the back of his compound all the time, let out a big bray.

The neighbor turned to Nasruddin and said, "Mulla, I thought you told me that your donkey was not here. Mulla Nasrudin turned to the neighbor and said, "My friend, who are you going to believe? Me or the donkey?

Crying Baby

The young father was pushing the crying baby down the street with what appeared to be absolute calm and self-assurance. People on the street could hear what he was saying as he passed.

"Take it easy, Nasrudin," he said. "Don't let it get you down, Nasrudin, you will soon be safe back home. Things will be all right, Nasrudin, if you just keep calm."

One motherly type woman waiting for a bus, heard and saw the young father and said to him, "I think you are wonderful the way you are taking care of the baby." Then she leaned over to the baby and said,

"Now, don't cry, Nasrudin, everything is going to be all right." "LADY," said the father, "You have got it all wrong. his name is Daud -- I am Nasrudin."

Man's Best Qualities

One day someone asked Mulla Nasrudin, "What are the best qualities of mankind?"

"Well," he replied, "a philosopher once told me that there are two. He had forgotten the one, but he told me the other. But to tell you the truth, I've since forgotten that one, too."

Bedouins Running

"When I was in the desert," said Mulla Nasrudin one day,

"I caused an entire tribe of horrible and bloodthirsty bedouins to run."

"However did you do it?" "Easy. I just ran, and they ran after me."

Hearing Aid

Mulla Nasrudin bought one of those new hearing aids that are practically invisible. He was told that he could return it if it didn't prove twice as good as the cumbersome device he had been using.

He stopped by a few days later to express his satisfaction with the new device. "I bet your family likes it too," said the clerk.

"Oh, they don't even know I have got it," said Nasrudin. "and do you know what? I am having more fun with it! In the past two days, i have changed my will three times."

Frightening Place

One day a visitor came to Mulla Nasrudin with a question. "Mullah Nasrudin, the place that we humans come from and the place that we go to, what is it like?"

"Oh," said Mullah Nasrudin, "it is a very frightening place."

"Why do you say that?" the visitor asked. "Well, when we come from there as babies, we are crying, and when somebody has to go there, everybody cries."

Who Is To Blame

Mulla Nasrudin and his wife came home one day to find the house burgled. Everything portable had been taken away. "It's all your fault," said his wife, "for you should have made sure that the house was locked before we left."

The Neighbor took up the chant: "You did not lock the windows," said one. "Why did you not expect this?" said another. "The locks were faulty and you did not replace them," said a third.

"Just a moment," said Nasrudin, "surely I am not the only one to blame?"

"And who should we blame?" they shouted. "What about the thieves?" said Nasrudin. "Are they totally innocent?"

No Time For Piano

"My wife used to play the piano," a friend told Mulla Nasrudin, "But since the children came, she has not had time to touch it."

"Children sometimes are a comfort, are they not?" said Nasrudin.

What Is The Quarrel About?

Mulla Nasrudin was awakened in the middle of the night by the cries of two quarreling men in front of his house. Nasrudin waited for a while but they continued to dispute with each other. Nasruddin couldn't sleep, wrapping his quilt tightly around his shoulders, he rushed outside to separate the men who had come to blows.

But when he tried to reason with them, one of them snatched the quilt off Nasrudin shoulders and then the both of men ran away. Nasrudin, very weary and perplexed, returned to his house.

"What was the quarrel about?" wondered his wife when Nasruddin came in. "It must be our quilt," replied Nasrudin. "The quilt is gone, the dispute is ended."

Acting Like A Gentlemen

One day Mulla Nasrudin visited a large department store to buy his wife some nylon hose. Inadvertently, he got caught in a mad rush at a counter where a bargain sale was going on.

He soon found himself being pushed and stepped on by frantic women. He stood it as long as he could. Then with head lowered and elbows out, he plowed through the crowd. "You there!" said a woman. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"

"Not any more," said Nasrudin. "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. from now on, I am acting like a lady."

All Are Catholic

Mulla Nasrudin was getting ready to apply to a local department store for a job. A friend told him that it was the policy of the store to hire nobody but Catholic Christians, and that if he wanted a job there, he would have to lie about being a Catholic Christian.

Nasrudin applied for the job and the personnel man asked him the usual questions. Then he said to the Mulla, "And what church do you belong to?"

"I am a Catholic," said Nasrudin. "And all my family are Catholics. In fact, my father is a priest and my mother is a nun, Sir."

Either You Know Or You Don't

Once, the people of The City invited Mulla Nasruddin to deliver a sermon. When he got on the pulpit, he found the audience was not very enthusiastic, so he asked "Do you know what I am going to say?"

The audience replied "No", so he announced "I have no desire to speak to people who don't even know what I will be talking about" and he left. The people felt embarrassed and called him back again the next day.

This time when he asked the same question, the people replied "Yes" So Mulla Nasruddin said, "Well, since you already know what I am going to say, I won't waste any more of your time" and he left.

Now the people were really perplexed. They decided to try one more time and once again invited the Mulla to speak the following week. Once again he asked the same question - "Do you know what I am going to say?"

Now the people were prepared and so half of them answered "Yes" while the other half replied "No". So Mulla Nasruddin said "The half who know what I am going to say, tell it to the other half" and he left!

Should Be Ashamed

Mulla Nasrudin's wife complained bitterly to the Mulla. "I am absolutely ashamed of the way we live. Mother pays our rent. My aunt buys our clothes. My sister sends us money for food.

I don't like to complain, but I am ashamed that we cannot do better than that."

"You should be ashamed," said Nasrudin. "You have got two uncles that don't send us a dime."

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A vacuum cleaner salesman rang the doorbell of Mulla Nasrudin's house and was admitted by a woman, who immediately left the room.

After talking a bit to the Mulla who was in the room, the salesman said, "Was that your wife, who let me in?"

"Certainly. do you think i would hire a maid as homely as that?" asked Nasrudin.

Make Me Happy

"Why don't you stop picking on me?" said Mulla Nasrudin to his wife. "I am trying to do everything possible to make you happy."

"There's one thing you haven't done that my first husband did to make me happy," she said. "What's that?" asked the Mulla. "He dropped dead," she said.

Awful Song

A guest at a concert turned to Mulla Nasrudin sitting next to him and criticised the voice of the woman who was singing.

"What a terrible voice," he said. "Do you know who she is?" "Yes," said the Mulla. "She's my wife."

"Oh," said the embarrassed guest, "I beg your pardon. Of course, it is not her voice that is bad, it is that awful song she has to sing. I wonder who wrote it." "I did," said Nasrudin.

Take The Smaller Coin

Mulla Nasrudin used to stand in the street on market-days, to be pointed out as an idiot. No matter how often people offered him a large and a small coin, he always chose the smaller piece.

One day a kindly man said to him: Nasrudin, you should take the bigger coin. Then you will have more money and people will no longer be able to make a laughing stock of you.

That may be true, said Nasrudin, but if I always take the larger, people will stop offering me money to prove that I am more idiotic than they are. Then I would have no money at all.

Hard To Find

"I am going to get a divorce," a friend told Mulla Nasrudin.

"My wife has not spoken to me in three months."

"I'd think twice if I were you," said the Mulla. "wives like that are hard to find."

More Than Enough

Mulla Nasrudin and his neighbour were chatting. "Yesterday, I took a girl to the coke bar in the afternoon," said the neighbour, "and I paid for that. Then I took her to the drive-in for a hot dog and I paid for that.

After that, I took her to a movie, and I paid for that. Then I took her to a nightclub and I paid for that. Do you think I should have kissed her goodnight, Mulla?"

"No," said Nasrudin. "I think you did enough for her for one day."

Pain In The Leg

"That pain in your leg is caused by old age," the doctor told Mulla Nasrudin.

"That can't be," replied the Mulla.

"The other leg is the same age and doesn't hurt a bit."

Honorific Titles

A certain conqueror said to Nasruddin: "Mulla, all the great rulers of the past had honorific titles with the name of God in them: there was, for instance, God-Gifted, and God-Accepted, and so on.

How about some such name for me?" "God Forbid," said Nasruddin.

Center Of The World

One day Mullah Nasruddin was asked "Could you tell us the exact location of the center of the world?" "Yes, I can," replied Mullah Nasruddin .

"It is just under the left hind of my donkey." "Well, maybe! But do you have any proof?" "If you doubt my word, just measure and see."

Not Paying

One day Mullah Nasruddin went to market to buy new clothes. First he tested a pair of trousers. He didn't like the trousers and he gave back them to the shopkeeper. Then he tried a robe which had same price as the trousers.

Mullah Nasruddin was pleased with the robe and he left the shop. Before he climbed on the donkey to ride home he stopped by the shopkeeper and the shop-assistant.

"You didn't pay for the robe," said the shopkeeper. "But I gave you the trousers instead of the robe, isn't it?" replied Mullah Nasruddin .

"Yes, but you didn't pay for the trousers, either!" said the shopkeeper. "But I didn't buy the trousers," replied Mullah Nasruddin. "I am not so stupid to pay for something which I never bought."

Payment For Yesterday

One day Mulla Nasrudin went to a Turkish bath but as he was dressed so poorly, the attendants didn't pay much attention to him. They gave him only a scrap of soap, a rag for a loin cloth and an old towel.

When Mulla left, he gave each of the two attendants a gold coin. As he had not complained of their poor service, they were very surprised. They wondered had they treated him better whether he would have given them even a larger tip.

The next week, Mulla came again. This time, they treated him like royalty and gave him embroidered towels and a loin cloth of silk. After being massaged and perfumed, he left the bath, handing each attendant the smallest copper coin possible. "This," said Mulla, "is for the last visit. The gold coins are for today."

Questions as Answers

One day Mulla Nasrudin was asked, "How is it you always answer a question with another question?"

"Do I?" he replied.

Feel At Home

Mulla Nasrudin had just checked into the hotel.

"Welcome," said the clerk at the desk.

"We want you to know you are welcome. We are going to do everything we can to make you comfortable and help you to feel at home."

"Please don't," said the Mulla. "I left home so I could find a change. For the next few days I want to feel as if I am at a beach resort."

Secret of Longevity

One day Mulla Nasrudin was asked the secret to longevity.

"Keep your feet warm, your head cool, be careful what you eat and don't think too much."

Finding In The Dark

One day Mullah Nasruddin lost his ring down in the basement of his house, where it was very dark. There being no chance of his finding it in that darkness, he went out on the street and started looking for it there.

Somebody passing by stopped and enquire: "What are you looking for, Mullah Nasruddin ? Have you lost something?"

"Yes, I've lost my ring down in the basement." "But Mullah Nasruddin , why don't you look for it down in the basement where you have lost it?" asked the man in surprise. "Don't be silly, man! How do you expect me to find anything in that darkness!"

The Stranger’s Request

One day, Mulla Nasrudin was repairing his roof, and was interrupted by a stranger knocking on his door.

“What do you want?” Nasrudin shouted down to him from the roof.

“Come down so I can tell you,” the stranger replied.

Nasrudin angrily climbed down the ladder. “Well!” Nasrudin snapped at the stranger, “What is so important?”

“Can you spare some money for this poor old man?” asked the stranger in a near whisper.

Nasrudin started to climb up the ladder and said, “Follow me up to the roof.”

When they both reached the roof, Nasrudin turned to the stranger and said, “No, you can’t have any money. Now get off my roof!”

Lousy Party

"This sure is a lousy party," a guest at a cocktail party said to Mulla Nasrudin, who was next to him.

"I am going to finish this one and then get out of here."

"I would too," said Nasrudin, "But I have got to stay. I am the host."

Stand By What Is Said

A friend asked the Mulla Nasrudin "How old are you?"

"Forty replied the mullah."

The friend said but you said the same thing two years ago!"

"Yes" replied the Mulla, "I always stand by what I have said."

Lost: One Donkey

‘O People! Shouted Nasrudin, running through the streets of his village, “Know that I have lost my donkey. Anyone who brings it back will be given the donkey as a reward!”

“You must be mad,” said some spectators to this strange event.

“Not at all, said Nasrudin; ‘do you not know that the pleasure which you get when you find something lost is greater than the joy of possessing it?”

Wives

Nasrudin belonged to a club called “The Assembly of those who are not afraid of their wives”.

One day the Chairman called the meeting to order in the customary manner, saying: “O all you who are not afraid of your wives – be seated.”
All sat except the Mulla.

“What’s the matter, Nasrudin – are you afraid of your wife?”
“I’m not afraid of her, but I can’t sit down. She beat me so hard last night that I’m black and blue.”

All Is Lost

Nasrudin, ferrying a pedant across a piece of rough water, said something ungrammatical to him. “Have you never studied grammar?” asked the scholar.

“No.”

“Then half your life is wasted.”

A few minutes later Nasrudin turned to the passenger.

“Have you ever learned how to swim?”

“No. Why?”

“Then all your life is wasted-we are sinking!”

Keeping Tigers Away

Nasrudin was throwing handfuls of bread all around his house. “What are you doing?” someone asked.

“Keeping the tigers away.”

“But there are no tigers around here”

“Exactly. Effective, isn’t it?”